Just in! Through a combination of mini spy-cams and miniature bugging
devices, "rock" band Metallica have apparently identified 335,000
individuals who own Metallica albums AND who also own cassette decks. The
band allege that some of these heinous individuals have been committing
intellectual property crimes by making up compilations, and even listening
to them in the company of non-Metallica fans. Quoted yesterday, lead
screecher Lars Ultrarich said: "Don't these people realise that we are TRUE
metal! All other bands are FALSE metal and should be put to death! Also,
we're doing everything in our power to stop people from having to listen to
our awful racket, yet certain individuals just will not stop copying and
distributing it. We will take legal action if necessary."
Today, Metallica's lawyers issued an injunction against Sony, Panasonic,
Sharp, Teac, and many other manufacturers of recording devices ordering them
to cease production and help stop the spread of Metallica's music around the
world. Said Lars Ultrarich: "It's bad enough that people who don't choose to
buy our music are subjected to it in shopping malls and on film soundtracks.
Nowadays, people may be innocently chilling out at a friend's house, and yet
a Metallica song may be heard on a compilation tape that the so-called
friend is playing. Don't these people realise what they're doing etc etc..."
Next week: the writers of "happy birthday" sue everyone in the western
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